Polyamory frequently feels like a relationship panacea… ahhhh more love, more sexual opportunities, more opportunities for self expression, more money coming into the household, more shared responsibilities… more of this and less of that.

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I have had many, what I call transformative experiences over the course of my life. At this moment, I’m thinking of a time back in the 60’s when I was a teenager walking into a chanting and meditation session in a chapel in New York City. As I entered, the chanting, the music enveloped me. Sounds of the voices, the sitar, tabla, harmonium, finger cymbals, made me swoon. I literally fell on my knees and entered an altered state, a state that I’d never experienced before.

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Is it possible? Is it necessary? As much as we are taking both internal and external territory with regard to shifting a mono- normative narrative, still throwing off the shackles of early, persistent, conditioned thinking is difficult to do. Examples of normative thinking consist of: an idea that it is best to keep things the same; thinking that it is wrong, inherently immoral to live outside of prescribed heteronormative relationships; cultures, schools, government, churches and other religious organizations that hold on to the values of mono-normativity etc. Those who identify as polyamorous may be limited in some ways in our relationships, in our worlds due to residual internal admonitions against polyamory.

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Nowadays name changing, pronoun changing, labels in communities like the polyam community, psychopathologizing in psychiatry and psychology, all have become fluid. For some it is very important to label oneself, to change an identity, a name. What’s in a name? A label? Do you feel like you become more connected or disconnected by having a label?

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Over the past 12 years the Dec Polyam gathering has been a time for sharing food and drink and support. Clearly this year we won’t have the benefit of enjoying freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, bread, cheese, wine, and deliciousness of all sorts. Still, we have the opportunity to come together and be with one another sharing ourselves, our hearts and minds, our successes and losses, as well as our joys and sorrows.

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Over the past 12 years the Dec Polyam gathering has been a time for sharing food and drink and support. Clearly this year we won’t have the benefit of enjoying freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, bread, cheese, wine, and deliciousness of all sorts. Still, we have the opportunity to come together and be with one another sharing ourselves, our hearts and minds, our successes and losses, as well as our joys and sorrows.

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Over the past 12 years the Dec Polyam gathering has been a time for sharing food and drink and support. Clearly this year we won’t have the benefit of enjoying freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, bread, cheese, wine, and deliciousness of all sorts. Still, we have the opportunity to come together and be with one another sharing ourselves, our hearts and minds, our successes and losses, as well as our joys and sorrows.

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A couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to revisit the awkwardness of coming out poly to a total stranger.

Here’s what happened: My husband and I were at a store that sells exercise equipment. Anticipating a run on machines due to the closure, and/or hesitancy around attending gyms, I thought, “let’s get something now!” After trying a few machines, with a very anxious salesperson nipping at our heels, I said to my husband “let’s have Cindy come in and try the ones we like.” “Who is Cindy, your daughter?” the salesperson queried. I was thrown into the many dozens of times that question has been asked of me, remembering back to the first time our 5-year-old son asked that question “Who is Cindy?”

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Generally, one of the main ways that poly folks sustain secondary or non-cohabitational partnerships is by visiting each other for dates, either out in public or in one of their homes. Being unable to visit a secondary/non-cohabitational partner can leave the relationship feeling more distant and can feel especially vulnerable for a person who does not have a primary partner and is sheltering alone. Living alone can be a joyous, fulfilling, and relaxing experience when it is a choice, but it can become painfully lonely when it is enforced for an extended time.

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So much is happening right now it occurs to me that what we might need is a free floating couple of hours to connect, be together and talk about whatever is on our hearts and minds.

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While worry about the corona virus abounds, many report feelings that are swinging from fear, to depression, to relief and elation about not needing to travel to workplaces, and so on. Some folks are saying that their moods are impacting one another creating shifting sands in relational dynamics.

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How much contact is okay or safe for polyamorous folks during these challenging times? Is sex okay? With whom? What sexual activity is okay and what isn’t? How long before I/we can bring others into our homes? These questions are on many of our minds. Let’s discuss together.

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Hello dear community. As you know, initiallywe cancelled the face to face April 4 group due to the shelter in place order and the Covid19 virus. I had a subsequent thought that we might be able to chat together online instead of our monthly Tribe gathering.

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At the February meeting someone suggested the topic of rejection which I think is deserving of time and attention. I’d like to broaden it a bit to include not only those who’ve felt rejected, but also those who’ve ended or changed up relationships and the feelings that come along with being the “rejector.”

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One topic that I have heard over and over over the years has been around breaking/keeping negotiated promises. Now not everyone needs or wants to have hard line negotiated promises. But for others kept promises provide degrees of safety and trust. And broken ones can destroy good relational intentions.

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Whether entering the world of dating polyamorous folks, or having been in polyamorous relationships for many years, dating seems to be a challenge for most. Often I’m asked questions like: “How do I begin?” Or “How do we make this work, it’s so complex?” Or “I’m so jealous I don’t think I can do this! Can I?” No simplistic answer that I can provide is THE answer.

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As the winter holidays approach many find the frenzy of shopping and the endless quandaries about gift giving. This can get particularly complicated and stressful in polycules and their extended families.

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Being open and honest are fundamental bedrocks of polyamorous relationships. But are you always open and honest?

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Safety and Care in Polyamorous Relationships:
Do you feel safe and cared for in your poly relationship(s)? Do you make your partner(s) feel safe and cared for? Polyamory creates all sorts of unique challenges when it comes to safety and care.

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Open Seat: From time to time we like to open the floor to whatever is on your mind, whatever you’d like to bring to the group. Sometimes when there is an open seat, a topic arises from the group. If your topic hasn’t been represented thus far, now might be the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. See you in September!

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